Est. November 18th, 2016
Confession of a bad mom:
Ailey this morning: Da da, can we watch TV while we drink our cocoa?
Chris: No honey, we don’t have time for TV this morning. We have to get dressed and get moving.
Ailey (in a sing-song voice): I’m gonna kick your ass.
#plantcorn #applesandtrees #chipofftheoleblock #littlemeghan
Confession of a bad mom: The sooner I come to the realization that, despite my efforts, my house is not going to look like something out of a Pottery Barn catalogue and instead, resembles something more akin to Stanford and Son, the better off my overall health will be. #fourkids #cantfightit #johnnyjunkhouse
Confession of a bad mom: Sometimes I wonder if my children will only remember me for having perpetual wine breath.
Confession of a bad mom: I really can’t wait for my two littlest children to be able to tie their own shoes. Each time I have to do it, they hold onto my hair to balance themselves, which A) hurts, B) really messes it up and C) overall bugs the hell out of me.
Confession of a bad mom: I told the kids they couldn’t have cookies before dinner. Then I hid in the kitchen and stuffed down two. Now I’m worried they’ll smell my cookie breath. #ImtheadultImaketherules #doasIsaynotasIdo
Confession of a bad mom: Kian is playing a recorder in the school play next week. The teacher sent home a note with the option to purchase one of our very own for $3.25. Never have I been happier to conveniently, accidentally on purpose lose a piece of paper. #notinthisdamnhouse #keepitinschool
Confession of a bad mom: I think my children sound like little demons when they wake me up at night. For years they’ve been scaring the hell out of me as they stand next to my bed, staring creepily at me until I feel it and wake startled. Or they whisper in a prolonged, raspy, barely auditable voice, “Moooommm…”
Confession of a bad mom: Elf on the Shelf is ruining my life. #ihatehim #burnthelittlebastard
Confession of a bad mom: I once thought I’d like to start a business called S & M Wine Tours, named after a friend and me. But then I pictured my children telling their teacher, “My mommy works at S & M Wine Tours…” #goodideabadname #sharonandmeghanwinetours
Confession of a bad mom: Someone recently asked me how we manage Christmas with four children. My response… “I have holes in my underwear.”
Confession of a bad mom: Chris came to bed late last night and I asked him if he remembered to move the Elf on the Shelf. He said, “No. Where do you want me to put him?” My response… “The garbage.”
Confession of a bad mom: Kelan, last night at his brother’s music concert, rolled his eyes when the kids started blowing in off-tune shrieks on their recorders and said to me, “Wow! That’s REEEAALLY annoying.” That moment when you realize your child really does emulate everything you say and do.
Confession of a bad mom: The elves on The Polar Express are as creepy as the one on my shelf. #imstartingtoreallythinktheyarereal #peopleforpeopleagainstcreepyelves
Confession of a bad mom: Getting little children dressed to go outside and play in the snow is one of the most exhausting and annoying things E.V.E.R. #theyllbebackininfiveminutes #holyshit #snowface #missingglove #imsweatingandneedadrink
Confession of a bad mom: My very smart children have now figured out how to blame various mishaps and occurrences, that may reflect negatively on them, on The Elf on the Shelf. What am I supposed to do, call b.s. and tell them I know they’re all little liars????? #elfiediditnotme #thelittleredbastardisouttogetme #mychildrenaresmarterthenIam
Confession of a bad mom: Ailey was just lecturing my husband about “no more chicken head.” When I asked him what she was talking about, he said, “Apparently she didn’t like the ponytail I tried to do earlier today. She told me it looked like chicken hair.” #girlhairproblems #weareinbigtrouble
Confession of a bad mom: Frozen just came on and I actually got more excited than the kids! #letitgo #singitloudsingitproud #mymovieisonstoptalking
Confession of a bad mom: Ailey snuggled up on me last night and before she drifted off to sleep she said, “Momma, your breath smells like grapes.” #mymommyalwayssmellslikewine #shewillunderstandwhensheisolder #pourmeanotherglass
Confession of a bad mom: There is no helping out of the car, hand-holding, book bag carrying, and walking the ten feet to the front door when dropping my kids off at school in the morning. It’s tuck and roll time, people. The countdown to departure begins as I round the corner of the school. I slow down just enough to withstand potential bodily injury and the door barely opens before they’re out it and on their merry way.
Confession of a bad mom: Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is a commercial grade washer and dryer. You know, the giant ones that wash and dry ten loads at once. Yes, please. #keepthediamondsandgivemesomethingIcanreallyuse #okIwilltakethediamondstoo #climbingthelaundrymountain
Confession of a bad mom: I just moved that effing red bastard for the last time… until December, 2017. #itsallover #elfontheshelfsucks
Confession of a bad mom: Somewhere in the deep recesses of sleep I just heard Braeden call out, “Mom, hurry and get in the bathroom! Kian is throwing up!!” And somehow, on cloud like wings, my feet flew before my slumbering body and found my little guy horribly sick into the toilet. For a brief moment, I think my husband shuffled in behind me. I caught a glimpse of his sleepy self as I wiped vomit from my little Kian’s face. I think he grunted and went back to sleep. After, when I crawled back into bed to his snoring, I said (too myself),”And that’s exactly why you don’t get to be the mom.” #numbertwoisdown #weareallnext #pukebugchristmasvacation #itsgoingtowhipoutthewholehouse
Confession of a bad mom: Ailey just realized I was holding an empty wine glass and said, “Oh! Let me get you some more wine!” And then ran to the refrigerator and grabbed the bottle…
#gotherwelltrained #mommasfavoritegirl #wineenthusiastintraining #proudmommoment
Confession of a bad mom: Chris just called me sweetie (I know. I don’t know why, either.) and I smiled and said to Ailey, “When you get older, you should marry a guy just like Daddy.” She shook her head and said, “I’m not gettin’ married! I’m just gettin’ lucky!” #jesushelpme #iamprettysureshedoesntknowwhatthatmeans #goodlucktowhoeverlandsher
Confession of a bad mom: That glorious moment when all of your children are in bed and asleep by 9 pm… and you find yourself still watching whatever crappy cartoon they had on. #tootiredtocare #spongebobsquarepantsforlife #pourmeaglassofwineandIwillwatchanything
Confession of a bad mom: Trying to feed my children is the bane of my existence. They eat N.O.T.H.I.N.G. I make. And I’m a damn good cook! But I’m also a firm believer in the, “Eat it or go hungry” motto. So now, whenever the meal doesn’t suit them, they openly opt to go hungry … with a shrug. “Yeah, I’m good. I’ll just go hungry.” #Idontlikethat #thatlooksdisgusting #cantwinhereissomemacncheesefromabox
Confession of a bad mom: Kian’s birthday party was today. At one point, when I was laying down some ground rules, I asked who the boss was at my house.
Everyone (except Ailey who was lurking in the background) responded, “You are!”
Ailey answered, “Daddy!”
At which point everyone stared, horrified, at her. She then said, “Just kiddin,” and laughed.
Then one of Kian’s friends said to me, straight faced, “Seriously. I’m WAY more scared of you than I am of Chris!” #scarymom #aileyknowswhosboss #Ilaydownthelaw #daddymyass
Confession of a bad mom: My face when my children’s teachers send me the following notes:
“We’ve had 3 cases of head lice in our class.”
“There are 5 reported cases of strep in our classroom.”
“I sent home 3 children in our class today who have the vomit bug.”
“Your son misplaced the check you sent in for ski club. We can’t seem to find it anywhere. You may want to double check his bag.”
#sweetbabyjesus#ineedamoment #myheaditches #someonegrabmeabottleofwine
Confession of a bad mom: I don’t jump up and run when my children start crying. I wait a minute to judge the pitch and tone of the cry. More often than not, it’s what I call a “crap cry” as opposed to a genuine, “I’m really hurt” cry. Therefore, my reaction time is almost non-responsive. And I’m pretty sure it stresses other people out. Like the time Ailey was flopping around in a foot of water and informed me, mid fake drowning, that I “Wasn’t even paying attention to my precious daughter!” Thank god she pulled through. #yourenotbleeding #spitonityourefine #makeamericagreatagainandstopbabyingyourchild
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