There are certain, very specific times, along this wonderful path of motherhood when I’ve been completely overcome by what’s happening with my children and the words “HOLY HELL” fly forth from my mouth.
For example, at the beginning of summer not more than five days after school was out, Kian woke up and came downstairs and told me that his head was itching all over. Yes, that’s right- itching all over. My first thought (after my head immediately began to itch) was “HOLY HELL- NOOOOOOOOO!” An instant headache followed along with a complete lice inspection which revealed only the tiniest traces of white flakes of dandruff. However, taking no chances, I completely shaved the boys’ heads- that’s right, shaved- and treated each child and the ENTIRE house for lice. Pillows, blankets, mattresses, couches, carpets, curtains, the cat (I know cats don’t get lice, but like I said I wasn’t taking any chances.) toys, hairbrushes- you name it, it got sprayed or washed. I wanted to blow up my house. Put a huge bubble around it and let off lice bombs (picture a giant flea bomb).
Luckily, there were no lice. Or my overreaction squelched any possible infestation (oh my God, I hate that word). Anyway, so the house was clean, bedding was laundered and heads were scrubbed and shaved (except baby girl- I kept her hair). But I couldn’t shake the heebie jeebies. Every ten or fifteen minutes I checked the kid’s hair- eyeing it meticulously for any suspicious looking creatures.
The “Holy Hell” category of TOP 5 possible nightmare scenarios for mothers list several and are vary in severity- lice, hand foot and mouth disease, impetigo, fifths disease- to name a few. I know mothers everywhere are just reading this and saying- Holy Hell- regardless of whether you’ve experienced any of these or not.
Similar Holy Hell scenarios also include: a G.I. infection that runs rampant through the house. Usually this includes one or more of your children struck down with vomiting and diarrhea- often at the exact time. The whir of the washer and dryer is ever-present as you strip beds and wash linens and towels. Carpets and furniture upholstery has to be cleaned, toilets and sinks bleached. The house smells like Lysol and Clorox with a hint of sickness- it’s lovely.
In general, any type of highly communicable disease that can completely cripple the entire house falls into the Holy Hell category. Please take note, the Hole Hell category is a subset of the Here We Go group, which all falls under the umbrella of the ever popular Jesus, Mary and Joseph blasphemy. These groups are subject to change depending on the number of ill/infested children and exhaustion levels of parents; as well as their general mental status at the time of the incident.
In addition, destruction of property- whether yours or someone else’s- drinking of toilet water- and other ingestion of nasty materials and/or liquid, random poop explosion- infant or toddler, and refusal to sleep for days/weeks/years all fall within the parameters of the above mentioned classifications.
Again, there are a number of other situations that would be considered applicable to these various scenarios and they are worse to each individual parent. The important thing to take away here- is never fear- you’re not alone. And at the risk of misusing a preposition- I know where you’re at. So I’ll raise my container of Lysol and bottle of RID and stand proudly next to you with my puke bucket.
To the Holy Hell’s of motherhood- may they leave you with some shred of sanity and enough stories to pass on to your children when they’re older.